The Confessions of a Hunter and his 'Angel'
by Pooky1234
Summary: Please be aware that this story is based on my interpretation of speculation and spoilers about season 9. Dean and Cas talk after they have been apart for a while.


**Please be warned that this story is based on spoilers about season 9 and speculates about what we find out about Dean's past. There is also a spoiler that Dean sends Cas out of the bunker. This story is based on what might happen when they meet up again.**

The Confessions of a Hunter and his 'Angel'.

Dean couldn't help noticing that Castiel looked around every few seconds; he was obviously nervous and he looked tired. A huge wave of guilt swept over the hunter. He knew that he should have let Cas stay in the bunker. 'I'm sorry I sent you away. I thought I was doing the right thing. I had to protect him; he's my brother. It's what I've always done and I guess I don't know how to do anything else. There's nothing I haven't done for him. Do you understand me? Nothing! I've hustled and thieved and even sold …. Look, I was wrong. I shouldn't have left you out there on your own Cas, but didn't know what else to do. But you're alright, aren't you? You got here and it's so good to see you, man.'

Despite everything that he'd been through over the last few weeks, Cas still only wanted to stop the hurt and worry he could see in the other man's face. He needed to distract Dean. 'I had sex.' he said simply.

For a little while Dean wasn't sure where to look. He stared out of the windscreen into the dark that surrounded them and then at the wheel that his hands were gripping more tightly than he thought possible. His mind struggled to contain the maelstrom of conflicting emotions competing for his attention.

'I thought you'd be pleased,' Cas continued. 'You told me that I was human now, that I should go out into the world and experience everything, so when the opportunity came up I thought of you and what you'd said.'

'You thought of me?' Did he mean what it sounded like, that Cas had thought of him when he was having sex? No he couldn't mean that, could he? Dean realised how much he wanted it to be true. Back into character he stretched out his arm and slapped Cas on the back.

'Well done, man! So this woman, what was she like? Was she an angel or have you got a taste for humans now?' Dean tried to keep his voice on an even keel. He wanted to know so much. It suddenly struck him that he could lose his friend. After all, he'd forced him out of the bunker and told him to go. What if Cas actually cared for this woman? What if he left? What if he wanted the whole nine yards just like his vessel had before? What if he wanted marriage and kids and a life away from dealing with demons? What if he didn't want him? Shit! What if he didn't want him?

'She was just someone I met along the way. She was kind to me and looked after me when I had nothing and no-one. These bodies need so much, Dean. They need food and water and sleep, but they also need comfort and touch. I felt so alone but she was there and took me in for the night. Then one thing led to another. The next day she gave me some money so I could get here. I told her I couldn't stay, and that I had nothing to offer her, but that didn't seem to matter. I told her that I had to get to you, and to Sam, of course. She kissed me goodbye and said that she hoped I'd find what I was looking for.'

Dean let out the breath he hadn't realised that he'd been holding. 'She sounds nice.' He looked at the man in front of him. Who could blame the woman taking the opportunity to sleep with him?

'Was it wrong of me, Dean? I know that you've slept with people for just one night. Was it wrong to take her money? She told me that she wasn't paying me for the sex. I think she was just being kind.'

'No man, it's fine.' Dean thought back to the several occasions when he'd taken money for sex just to get Sammy something to eat when their Dad had disappeared for too long. Many men had paid for what he had to offer. He wanted to believe that he only did it because he had to but he'd told that lie to himself far too often. Sometimes he just needed the connection, the touch from another body, so he took what he could get, then pocketed the money and walked away. He felt the blush starting to spread across his face. He needed to say something; he was all too conscious that Cas was staring at him.

'You did take precautions, didn't you? You're human now and I guess that everything is working. You don't want her coming after you saying you're her baby daddy, do you? Not to mention diseases that you can catch now.' He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a condom packet. 'Here, make sure you carry one for emergencies; you know, just in case.' He reached over and briefly their hands touched. Dean wasn't sure but he would swear that Cas had run a finger down his wrist. He pulled away rather abruptly.

'Thank you. She had a supply of these. Human bodies need so much care.'

'So, d'you think you'll be doing it again? You know, experiencing everything that humanity has to offer. I could give you a few tips about women.'

'Women, yes; but what about men, Dean? I know that men have sex with each other. God doesn't care about sexual orientation so why should I? I should experience that as well if I'm to learn everything there is to know. Can you tell me about that so I know what to do? I know that not all men would want to have sex with me. How do you tell? Humans are so complicated.'

Cas noticed Dean swallow hard. 'Sorry, is this something men don't talk about, like watching porn together? I'm sure that I could do some research on my own if you don't want to help me.' He placed a hand on Dean's thigh. Dean shivered under that touch.

So many thoughts fought for dominance in his mind. Cas wanted to find out about men. He was a man; he knew about having sex with men. Perhaps he should tell him about what it was like to run your fingers over hard muscle, to feel the roughness of stubble across your cheek, how it felt to have someone holding your hair as they pushed into your mouth or what it's like to feel that moment when someone pushes inside you and touches that spot that sends your senses reeling. Perhaps he should tell him of the back rooms, back alleys and seedy toilets. Perhaps he should say that no matter how much he'd told himself that he was only doing this because he had to, that there were times when he went out looking for men to give him the pain and the pleasure that he craved. But he didn't want to do that. He didn't want Cas to have sex with some man and then it hit him. All the feelings he'd hidden, pushed deep down, and tried to ignore. How many times had he told Cas that he needed him? But he'd never said how good it was to hold him, or how much the angel had made him laugh, how lost he'd felt without him, or how it had nearly killed him to send him away. Other than Sammy, Cas was the first person he thought of every day. He'd taken a beating to keep the angels away from him and been hurt to his core every time Cas had left or hadn't trusted him. He looked up and met those startlingly blue eyes now full of worry and questions. He didn't want Cas going off with some strange man, not when he needed him, not when he cared for him, not when he loved him. Loved him?

'Dean? Are you alright? You've gone very pale. Have you been eating properly? Do you need something?'

'You, Cas; I need you. I don't want you going off with some man. Balthazar once said that you were in love with me. At the time I thought that he was taking the piss. Why did you save me from Hell, Cas? Why have you always come back? Even if sometimes you were a complete dick, you've always come through in the end. What made us different? Why me?'

Now it was Cas' turn to swallow hard. He'd known from that first touch in Hell that Dean was special. Hester had been right; from that moment he'd been lost and he'd stayed lost. Angels weren't supposed to put individual humans above others so he'd fought the need to put Dean above his brothers and sisters, and even above his father. He'd tried to serve heaven and not man but now heaven was closed to him, his brothers and sisters wanted to kill him and who knew where God had gone. Now, he was as human as the man in front of him.

'God ordered me to save you. It was the last thing he said to me before he disappeared. He told me to look after you and Sam, so I have.'

'So you're here just because God told you to be, because you're a good son that does exactly what his father tells him too. We both know that that isn't true. Cas, Look, I don't do feelings; you know that. Sam always wants me to talk to him but I can't; I never could. But I'm asking you not to leave. Don't go off with someone else. Stay with me, please. I need you, Cas.' He hesitated but he had to get these words out. 'I think I love you. I don't want someone else touching you.' He felt a finger pressed to his lips.

'Oh, Dean; all I've ever tried to do is protect you. I know I haven't always got it right. I tried to tell myself that by protecting you I was just following God's orders and protecting all of humanity, but now I see that Balthazar, Hester and even Meg were right. She knew how I felt about you before I did. We talked about you, you know in the hospital. It became our little joke that we would get pizza together but she knew the truth. For me there has only ever been you.'

They leant together slowly, adjusting their heads to the right position instinctively. Hands reached out to touch before their lips found each other. It was gentle at first, just a meeting of flesh. Both pulled away and looked at each other, both needing to check that this was where each wanted to go. Dean nodded slightly and then leaned in again. This time it was more urgent. Their mouths crushed together, their lips parted. Tongues sought entrance. Both men groaned and their hands reached around to pull each other closer. Dean sucked on Cas' bottom lip, nipping it, letting the feelings flow over him and take him over completely. Nothing else mattered. Whole hosts of demons or angels could be whirling around outside the Impala and they wouldn't have noticed.

Sam walked up to the car. As he got closer he stopped and smiled at what he could just about make out through the steamed up windows. 'Finally,' he said to himself before turning around. He guessed that this time Dean wouldn't mind waiting for his pie.


End file.
